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Contests worth attending!

Hi all,

I had a great time this summer, travelling all over and sending postcards. I'm sharing the highlights with you today. It turns out that they are all contests that I attended. Alas, summer is over - bummer. May your autumn be awesome!

Your friend,


Indianapolis Open Back Window 300. Held at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

The racers drove conventional SUV automobiles (like a Hyundai Santa Fe, or Nissan Rogue) with only the back windows open for the duration. Initially, it was meant to be the IOBW 500, but that race ended early when the wop- wop- wop- wop- wop wind vibrations became too much to tolerate - even by the spectators. This year, only a couple cars suffered minor damage as pieces vibrated off, and only one contestant was hospitalized for compression sickness. Rumor has it that it will be the IOBW100 next year. And they might introduce dogs sticking their heads out the window.

Paving Beauty Contest. Held in Talco, Texas, "Asphalt capital of the world."

Each team had 10 hours to pave an S-shape roadway, 50 yards long. Aerial photography and precision sensors using GPS were used to determine which team had the most precise and "sexiest" curve. Big Fat Tex and the Five Guys, Asphalt Co. Inc. won for the third year in a row. Second place, Steve's Paving Co. (of "We can even pave your walls!" fame) gave BFTandtheFGs a good run for the money. Look for them next year.

Bacon Grease Chug. Held at the Kentucky State Fairground's (Swine Bldg.)

The winner chugged two liters in one minute and everyone got sick to their stomach.

“FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!” Held at the 1st National Bank of Reno, Nevada (since 1919).

Contestants were given three consecutive tries at being the loudest - a decibel meter is used, since its invention*, but judging is also based on proper inflection. (I came in 9th place.) Before this culminating activity, contestants and spectators spontaneously suggested phrases to cry out loud and nominal prizes were awarded. Notable past “cries” include: “TOUCHDOWN!” “I CAN'T HEAR YOU!” “YABADADOO!” “YIKES!” "SHAZAM!" and “I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!” My suggestion: “THERE'S A PEANUT ON THE FLOOR!” was voted down.

*Before the use of the decibel meter, Hanks "Buzzbee" Rowlandson (1868-1932) was the contest's first judge. He was "an honest guy" and profoundly deaf. Taking over, in 1932, was Moab "Crunchy" Latimer-Smith, also a good man with compromised hearing. He was, reluctantly, replaced by the new electronic decibel meter in 1962. Inflection is still judged by local officials.

Critical Mass, 7:17am


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